It feels a bit strange to be sitting in my room right now. My cat is curled up next to me, purring. This is normal. My rabbit sits alert in the corner, waiting for a carrot. This is also normal. My bookshelves line the walls, full of rich volumes of text and stories that I’ve read a hundred times over – each book sits neatly in line with the shelf edge in true order. This is completely normal.

Yet, my floor is covered in boxes, boxes that I just moved in a week ago. Heaps of clothes lie on top, remnants of yesterday’s sorting spree. A suitcase, already full, sits upright on the floor, waiting for the last minute additions and panic attacks.

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It’s been a crazy week, full of library runs and cooking sprees. Full of afternoon teas with my best friend and goofing off with my sisters. Full of walking outside to fetch fresh herbs from the greenhouse and racing the raindrops back inside. Full of hammering out chords on the piano and rediscovering lost sheet music. It has been full, friends, in so many ways.

Yet I’ve done all of these things with the feeling that it is going by too fast. How is today Sunday? It feels like Wednesday or Thursday. It cannot possibly be the day before I leave, the day before I take off for most of the summer. My brain screams out that this is insanity.

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In the middle of this, in the middle of packing my clothes into the small green suitcase that sits expectantly in front of me, I made a galette. To be more accurate, we made a galette – my best friend and I. It was a Pinterest find that piqued our interest. Thus, we created it in my kitchen, measuring flour and cracking eggs, slicing apricots and chopping nuts.

And what a find. This Apricot Sage Almond Galette is positively elegant. It speaks of early summer, with a touch of the morning chill and the warmth of afternoon sun. The most surprising part is the use of sage, which normally is used in savory, rather than sweet dishes, but in this dessert it finds a home. The contrast of the tart apricots with the sage tempts me to wax poetry and the addition of chopped almonds dripping with sticky vanilla sugar creates a perfect filling. This galette is the peach cobbler’s more refined cousin, and would be perfect served under vanilla ice cream or given a dash of whipped cream. {although admittedly, plain is fantastic as well.}

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Apricot Sage Almond Galette

Crust:

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (I used spelt flour)

1 1/2 tablespoons vanilla sugar (regular sugar could be substituted, but the vanilla is better. see instructions below)

1/2 teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

1 stick unsalted butter, frozen

1 large egg

1/4 cup milk

Filling:

1/4 cup almonds

4-5 apricots, sliced

6 tablespoons vanilla sugar

1 1/2 tablespoons minced fresh sage (5-6 leaves)

1 tablespoon potato starch (or corn starch)

Pinch salt

Topping:

1 large egg, beaten with a splash of buttermilk

Vanilla sugar (or turbinado)

*Vanilla suger can be purchased in speciality stores or created a few weeks ahead of time by storing a vanilla bean pod inside a jar of granulated sugar.

In a large bowl, combine the dry ingredients: flour, sugar and salt. Using a box grater, grate the cold butter atop the flour mixture. Working quickly, and using your hands, break the butter bits into the flour until they’re evenly distributed and resemble the size of small peas. Beat together the egg and 1/4 cup milk and add it to the flour mixture. Mix the dough together until it just begins to climb together; if the dough doesn’t hold together, add an extra tablespoon or two of milk.

Remove the dough from the bowl and place it on a lightly floured counter. Knead the dough a few times until it comes together and shape it into a mound. Shape the dough into a disc and wrap it plastic wrap; transfer it to the refrigerator to chill for 1 hour or overnight.

Now for the filling. Chop the almonds, roughly; transfer them to a medium bowl. Add the sliced apricots, sugar, fresh sage, cornstarch and pinch of salt. Toss together and set aside.

Remove the disc from the refrigerator. Heavily flour your work surface and rolling pin. Roll out the dough, being sure to rotate it every so often so it doesn’t stick, until it reaches a 1/8-inch thickness. Cut the dough into one large 13-inch circle (I used a 13-inch plate as a guide). Transfer the dough circle to the center of a parchment-lined baking sheet. Reroll the scraps and slice ten-twelve strips that are about 12-inches long and about 1 1/2-inches wide.

Place filling in the center of the dough circle (the original recipe says to leave the fruit juice behind, but I added it and thought it was fine), leaving a 1/2-inch border around the sides. Ensure fruit is in one layer (make it pretty!). Fold over the sides.

Make a lattice by laying the strips on top of each other. Trim edges if necessary and bind strips to base with a bit of water.

Place the baking sheet in the freezer for 15 minutes. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Right before entering the oven, brush the top of the galette with egg wash and sprinkle on a bit of the vanilla sugar. Bake for 20-25 minutes, until medium golden brown. Transfer to a cooling rack until the galette is room temperature.

Makes one 12-inch galette

 

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Recipe adapted from A Cozy Kitchen.

 

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Someone told me the other day that I was the perfect student. A careless comment, dropped by someone who meant well, who is confident in my perceived brilliance.

Brilliant would be the last word I would use. Someone who is brilliant is not naive, at the bottom or inexperienced in their subject of study.

I am still in college. I am a freshman. I may have more credits, but I don’t have the experience, the reading to back it up. There are days when I feel like I’ve mastered something, learned a new concept, and then hours later I sit in front of my computer feeling utterly humiliated by my lack of comprehension or beaten by an assignment. How can I possibly type anymore? How much more should I know? What did I do wrong?

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I live in my English professors’ offices, asking for critique, wanting more knowledge, more to read, more to do. How can I help with your event? What did you think about this paper? Most of the time I walk out feeling stupid, like I know nothing. The wealth of the knowledge of my professors pours out around me and I struggle in the current to keep from drowning.

Yes, I am an honors student. No, I am not brilliant, but I want to be. If I were to respond to criticism how I’d like to at times, I would have left long ago, hidden behind a mundane job and contented myself with freelancing. I hate feeling stupid, inadequate, like I haven’t done enough. I want to learn the things in every book, every essay that I skim through in search of research materials. I want to read every book by every author I am fascinated by. Maybe then I’ll know more, be able to impress more, to move further faster. But impossibility places me here, working towards that one day when I’ll be able to show one of my students how to edit a paper, teach them about Woolf, Austen, Shakespeare.

I’m not perfect. I am not the perfect student. I feel inadequate with my knowledge, but that doesn’t mean that I stop trying. I push on, because I know that one day this will all be worth it. I will know something, and I will be able to use that knowledge to the betterment of somebody or something.

I’m not the perfect student. I just keep on trying to learn, to grow, because in reality, that’s the best any college student can do.

(Photos: Salamanca, Madrid)

 

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Forgiveness isn’t a comfortable place. It’s really hard to tell someone that things “will be okay”. It’s like saying, “hey, you’ll feel better eventually, get over it”. It’s so much easier to sympathize, to agree that the other person was in the wrong, to dig the hole deeper and deeper around ourselves.
What is forgiveness, really? It’s not saying that the other person was right. It’s not saying that we’re horrible people. It’s not even saying that things are okay now. It’s just letting go of the hurt, climbing out of the hole and continuing on with life. It’s letting go and letting God.
So why does it hurt so much? Why is it so hard to forgive, so hard to “never let the sun set” on our anger? I recently forgave someone that I never thought I could forgive. I never thought I could get rid of the hurt, the sting of memory of being abandoned by someone I thought I trusted. When I think about the person, I no longer think about the pain, I no longer feel hatred. Instead, I feel thankfulness. Yes, thankfulness. I’m no longer tied to the hurt, and I can move on. I can wish the person well, and thank God that I’m free from the chains of unforgiveness. It’s an amazing feeling – nine months ago, I couldn’t have imagined feeling this way.

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But forgiveness isn’t comfortable. An incrementally small part of me wishes I was still angry so that I could kill them again and again in my mind, to recreate the scene of when we meet again (when I’m on top of the world). You couldn’t have approached me with forgiveness six months afterwards, with that anger/sadness burning a hole in my heart. Yet, throughout the past nine months, God has been teaching me the true definition of forgiveness.
I think it’s a misunderstanding that forgiveness is saying that it’s okay. Some things may never be “okay” again in our innermost selves – we may always regret that moment, that event, that lost friendship. Forgiveness is telling God that I can’t take it anymore. I can no longer live with the burden of hurt, the guilt of “what if”. I need the freedom that God promises through his grace, and this is found in forgiving. Letting go and letting God.
I’m reminded of a song by Martina McBride from a few years ago. In Anyway, she sings “God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good. When I pray, it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should.” Life has a funny way of turning us in circles. I never would have dreamed that I’d be at this point in my life without the support of this person, yet amazing things are happening that I never would have dreamed of nine months ago. The very fact that I can thank God for the grace of His forgiveness astounds me every day. I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to be haunted by what I can’t control, what I couldn’t do, where I failed. The things I wanted nine months ago are not the catalysts for the amazing things that are happening now, and it’s so much better this way.
You may not always be able to see what the future holds, but give the past over to God, and let Him work His miracles. Let go. Let God. Forgiveness isn’t comfortable, but grace and thanksgiving mend the heart, the soul, the mind. Choose forgiveness.

 

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I was skyping my best friend last night – she had called while I was reading an English assignment at some insane evening hour and we proceeded to spend the next hour and a half laughing and acting like we weren’t actually grown ups. You can do that with your best friend, you know. She said that she missed seeing my posts. I said that I’d post “something pretty” for her to wake up to.

True to college student form, she’s probably already awake by the time I’m posting this. The snow pictures are from last winter’s rare snowfall, and it doesn’t do justice to what is falling outside my window right now. It’s beautiful out, dear readers. Campus is covered in a blanket of white, and Marymount’s brick buildings make parts of it look like the scene is copied from a Thomas Kinkade painting. I can’t see the Main House well from this angle, but I’m sure it is breathtaking. I’m watching everyone walk along the sidewalk, or where there was a sidewalk, because everything has a way of being perfectly non distinct in the falling snow. Only a few students are wearing sweats and clunky boots – between the cute hats and fashionable coats, it’s not hard to tell that we’re  a very fashion-focused campus.

The first thing I wanted to do this morning was to brew a cup of tea, just like I was instructed to do via skype last night. Somehow, snow outside seems to make the inside seem extra cozy, which made me recall a few pictures from Christmas. Cozy then was defined by good food and making card houses with my sisters – the kind of cozy that I’d love to emulate in this dorm room, but the concrete block walls and mediocre food makes that somewhat impossible. But that’s why we photograph, no? To capture those memories, to make them live again in places where they may be impossibly perfect or picturesque or blunt or even… impossible.

To my best friend – something pretty, for you. <3

 

I’m sitting on my bed, wearing a white skirt, staring into the computer screen. I should be working my sociology readings, but I’m extraordinarily lazy and would rather not. (Oh to have a photographic memory…)

“I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” is playing in my head and in my earbuds. (That song is addicting.)

I’m not sure why I’m sitting down to write this, except that today is my last day being 17 and I want to document that. I also am probably sitting here because we procrastinators tend to procrastinate by doing something else we’ve procrastinated on instead of the thing we should be doing. No but really, I wanted to write a few things about my journey in college thus far. I’m going to use my 18 to 18 list that I wrote this past winter as a guide. You can find that here.

1// I’m enrolled in college. 2// Thankfully, I am a high school graduate. 4.// yes, I loved shooting those photos5// No, but I will be this spring. (Any guesses from those who aren’t my friends on Facebook?) 6// Yes! I met my dear friend Liz in person this past spring/summer. 7// Dude, I literally live in DC now. It’s amazing. 8// I wish, but I think I was close. I know that I read a lot! 15// Yes, unless you count that B that I have in one class right now? (ouch)

Six things done, two things have come close. The rest I’m leaving up to the future.

I’ve been at school for more than half a semester now, and I’ve experienced so much. The list above seemed monumental to me when I created it about ten months ago. But in reality, I’ve done things I wouldn’t have dreamed up to put on that list. I think that’s better than making a list, yes?

Chinatown and the Federal Triangle in DC by streetlight.

Free tickets to see Florence and the Machine in September with Lilly. Oh goodness. So amazing. I literally have no words.

Glorious sunshine and beautiful fall days in the city.

Being able to really appreciate going home. It’s magical.

Bonfires over fall break.

Gorgeous and incredible friends.

Lighting sparklers off in the rain during Fall Break.

My sweet best friend, who sent me this package for my birthday. (Just in case you’re wondering, I’ve already opened it. I have no patience.)

There are things I have no pictures of. Like whenever I walk into my hometown library, and seeing my former coworkers (and the word coworkers doesn’t really do it justice… maybe just friends?) and being able to spend time getting reacquainted with my books there. Like late-night Apples to Apples games with my family, and pretending to fight with my sisters. (Hannah and I are pros at this. We fool Mom and Dad all the time.)

Like my amazing new friends at my new church, and the joy I feel as I step into the door. Like deep conversations with my sweet roommate as we lie awake attempting to block out the music from down the hall. Like my new job at the school library, and the transition to being a busy student. Like stepping off the bus on a Friday afternoon and seeing my dad, waiting for me. Like the smile I feel spreading across my heart every time I think about going home for the weekend.

Like seeing my work published in the student newspaper. Like walking out of class feeling as if I’ve truly learned something. Like waving at a visiting high school student as I walk to class. Like listening to blaring gospel music every Tuesday night on the shuttle. Like getting that email, saying I was approved for study abroad this spring. Like registering for my courses and thinking about the things I’ll learn next semester.

These things, I have no pictures of. But they are things that I’ll remember as the rest of this year goes speeding by.

Also, congratulations on getting this far. I know my ramblings are rather incoherent right now. In case you were curious, I’m going to Spain over spring break next semester. For school. For intensive study. I’m so excited.

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